beauty in a wicked world.

Four Loko. So listen: If you are between the ages of 16 and 30, you have probably been exposed to this tragic national phenomenon in some form or fashion (unless you've been living under a "sober" rock, and those are no fun). After constantly hearing mixed reviews of this 24 ounce, overly caffeinated, 12% alcohol content having, overly sweet, malt liquor beverage, I felt it was necessary to finally take on the challenge of finishing one. Let's be real, its inevitably going to be banned from convenient stores everywhere. Get it while you can.

First, I have to lay out the scene for you kids. Before hitting up the outlet mall, my friend and I were enjoying a few morning cocktails at a classy, corporate restaurant in Cypress, TX. Always trying to stay ahead of the curve, I had the bright idea of embarking on a Four Loko hunt. Although fearful of the possible outcome, my friend relunctantly agreed. Our waiter/bartender/instigator gave us a few tips, and then we were on our way to sugary debauchery. Did we need a Four Loko on an early Monday afternoon? No, but who really needs a Four Loko at any time of day? Luckily, our hunt lasted only 5 minutes. We found our prize at the first gas station we stopped by. There were only two flavors available: blue raspberry and cranberry lemonade. This was a tough decision to make, but after a few minutes of banter, we landed on the blue raspberry. In all honestly, I don't know if there is a "delicious" flavor of Four Loko; only "tolerable".

After dropping a whopping total of $5.34, we took our brown-bagged delights to the streets. Well, in reality, we took it to the Houston Outlet Mall parking lot, where we feasted on 60 grams of diluted sugar and alcohol. Sip after sip, we slowly felt the surge of Four Loko churning through our systems. As I turned up the music in my car (sidenote: the name of the playlist was "sloppy". Take that how you want.), we drank, danced, hugged, and laughed for a good 30 minutes before my friend almost pissed on the SUV next to us. Yes, people were gawking at us.

Standing up and walking was a task we had not prepared for. We hazily staggered through the outlet mall, going from store to store. It was almost impossible to hide our alcohol induced giggling. Although I was not the most drunk, I still felt its fuzzy effects for the rest of the evening. Drunk shopping isn't always a smart idea, but caffeinated drunk shopping is even worse. Temporary ADD can be a side effect of drinking a Four Loko, so prepare yourself. Nonetheless, I purchased some cute fucking black ankle boots. Oh, and "ALDO shoe store", you made us feel like we were at South Beach. Thanks for that. I'm pretty sure my friend was belting out some of the tunes (yes, we were being stared at again). I definitely did a dance test in my boots to this in the middle of the store:

I am sad to report that I didn't black out at any point during my Four Loko experience, and I wasn't sober before my first sip of it either. My Four Loko co-pilot might have taken a vomit break at one point, but she stayed in the game until the end. Maybe I should have purchased both flavors to fulfill my iPod playlist title (P.S.- Blue Raspberry was a terrible choice)? I could lie to you and say I will never purchase a Four Loko again, but I won't do that. I'll let you know when I drunkenly decide to do it again.

Just embrace the aftermath. Don't question it.

P.S. - Four Loko has an official anthem. Gross.